Rang De...

Watched Rang De Basanti today and promptly fell in love with Kunal Kapoor. I won't risk a review 'coz I guess the consensus is that the movie is brilliant but the end is just over the top. Thus, its just falls short of becoming a masterpiece...

One of my favourite lines in the movie was when Aamir Khan says, that on one side of the college gate life dances to our tune but when we are on the other side we dance to life's tune...I swear, only when you are part of this mad rat-race...do you realise that we are actually running a race where no one wins....and its still so difficult to let go...to forget about the pay check that comes at the end of every month.

And I thought that there are still some who dare to live dangerously on the edge...where life is just about drunken parties, dangerous bike rides, unnecessary brawls, harmless flirting, evening long cricket matches and just ...no responsibilty.

I just had a glimpse of that life with you but it was impossible...it was fun while it lasted but at the end of the day it scared me...its like Aamir Khan singing at the end of every serious conversation, "Su kar mere man ko tune kiya kya eshara..."

But I think of it at times and I realise that it would be such a crazy life and yet so much fun...a life I never got to live...

To pack my bags and head for the hills when I want to without thinking of office...
To go for a bike ride on a full moon night without any fear...
To get drunk and lie on your back and look up at the glaring multitude above...
To get stoned and think of the most beautiful things that I have never thought of...

... a life i never dare live.

Some friends are friends forever

Last evening I had a great time...met two of my closest friends (at least,they were the closest for quite a while in my life).

Met Sam after 3 years, it's difficult to believe that is really been that long...we stayed together once and met each other everyday...anyway, it was nice seeing her...she's much the same...ethnic earnings with traditional clothes, talkative, warm and confused.

Her lovelife never fails to amuse me...she drifts from one relationship to the other and feels as strongly for one as she felt for the other a month back...but her faith in Sai Baba is unfailing and though the object of her affection keeps changing every few months, she is confident that HE'll see her through...

She told me yesterday that she's realised why she's 'in n out' of relationships all the time...she says no matter what, at end of the day you need someone to cuddle-up with...guess thats true...but what I like about her is, she always has a guy ready in the wings when she is about to run out of someone to cuddle-up with.

Anyway, was sitting in Barista, sipping coffee and having this amazing Sex and The City style conversation, talking about our life and her loves...and just behind her sat a teenage couple making me feel very uncomfortable...I don't want to behave like the Meerut policewoman but it was really awkward seeing these trying to put their fingers into each other's mouths or whatever...well, probably not, probably its just my sexual frustration...But honestly, I couldn't even imagine a very young me doing something like that in a crowded cafe. Guess, this is the generation next and no matter how we feel, we are actually on the wrong side of 20.

P walked in little later and when we told him about the cosy couple, he tried to thoroughly embarrass me by putting his arms around me and stuff. Sam left a little later.

P n I headed to go to Bercos (the chicken drumsticks there are really juicy and by far the best in Delhi). But we were going around in circles unable to locate it...the wind was chilly and with the terrific dressing sense that P has (he was wearing a thin cardigan)I was afraid that he'll be laid down with pnuemonia, if we don't find the place soon.

Anyway, a great dinner, a few smokes, a terrific round of bitching/PNPC session later...headed back home, feeling nice and warm.

Some friendships are like that, no matter where you leave it, no matter how long...its never difficult to re-connect.

Split ends

Its surprising how two lives get inextricably linked even when you are not living together...

long love-letters
small notes
used wrappers
dried flower petals
worn t-shirts
torn socks
a old toothbrush
a bottle of rancid massage oil
a rusted razor
a empty Pepsi can


Tere khushboo mein basay khat main jalata kaise
Pyaar mein doobay huye khat main jalata kaise
Teray haathon ke likhay khat main jalata kaise

Jinko duniya ki nigaahon se chupayey rakha
Jinko ek umar kalayjay se lagayay rakha
Deen jinko jinhay imaan banaay rakha

Jinka har lafz mujhay yaad paani ki tarah
Yaad they mujko jo paigaam-e-zubaani ki tarah
Mujko jo pyaarey they anmol nishani ki tarah

Toone duniya ki nigaahon se jo bach kar likhay
Saal-ha-saal mere naam barabar likhay
Kabhi din mein to kabhi raat ko uth kar likhay

Teray khat aaj main ganga mein baha aaya hoon
Aag behtay huye paani mein laga aaya hoon

...smiling snaps (which make you wanna cry)
...and a gold ring

Its difficult to do away...
But at times you just have to learn to let go...

Road not Taken

If life was just a highway
And the soul was just a car
And objects in the rear view mirror
Where nearer than they are...

There are times in life when you just wanna get away from everything...when all you wanna do is start anew, scrap all that you have been ever associated with and begin all over again.

I remember when I had left for Chennai...I had no expectations, I knew no one there...it was like opening the chapter of a book that you have no idea about...there were very few people I remained in-touch with and the distance gave me the excuse...

Life stagnates at times and at times you just wish you can let go...

Just waiting to get away...to a place where I know no-one, where everything is new, the place, the people you meet, the language, the food...

Yeh faasle teri gaaliyon ke humse tay na hua
Hazaar baar ruke hum
Hazaar baar chalen

Missing links...

I always say, its better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. I have loved quite a few times now and I am not ashmamed of it. Every relationship is a learning experience and somehow when you look back at them they always give you something to smile about. I don't believe in this crap...you love only once and all that nonsense...Love involves the heart and most obviously more often than not you leave the mind behind...well, if the heart and mind are working in tandem then you have got your Love potion just right...but you obviously are in a minority or are soon to realise that the Love Potion is not that perfect after all.

Enough gyaan now...

All and I mean all men (even distantly romantically linked to me)in my life share names with Bollywood stars(actors, directors...the sorts).

When I love, I love passionately but after I break-up I never want to see their faces...somehow I just can't bring myself to believe in that 'We are still friends' thing...not that there is anything wrong with it but I feel that if you are still in-touch with your ex, its always difficult to get on...something will always remind you of the cosy times you spent and its not really good for the present relationship...so me being me, I never see them again.

So probably because I have such strange rules set for myself...at certain times in my life I am suddenly reminded of one of them. And suddenly I remember every little detail about them.

A few years back I fell in love with a guy, someone who should've sported the t-shirt which says, "I'm the guy your mother warned you about." He was just the kind of guy who you would never take home...but these things happen sometimes. You fall in love with men who just refuse to grow up but are charming in there own little way.

Well...all said and done he had some good taste in music and this was one of the ghazals we often heard together...

Mujhe tum nazar se gira to rahe ho
Mujhe tum kabhi bhi bhula na sakoge
Na jana mujhe kyon yakeen ho chala hai
Mere pyar ko tum mita na sakoge

Meri yaad hogi jidhar jaoge tum
Kabhi nagma banke
Kabhi banke aasu
Tadpta mujhe har taraf paoge tum
Shama jo jalaye meri wafa mein
Bhujana bhi chao to bhuja na sakoge

Kabhi naam baton mein aayajo mere
To bechain hoke dil tham loge
Nighaon mein chahega gum ka andhera
Kissine jo pucha sabab aasu ka
Batana bhi chaho ho batana sakoge

God Almighty

At least 76 killed in Haj stampede...as the news flashed on the comp screen I felt breathless for a moment...it happened every year and it never mattered to me. But this year with my aunt and cousins there... as the news trickled with number of bodies increasing every half-hour my hands just went cold...called home, they didn't have a clue till I called-up and they checked the breaking news. I could feel tears prick my eyes as the flashes came in and we cut to live pictures.

All I wanted was to call-up someone in Mina and find out if my aunt was fine...

There are some people you respect, you are in awe of but when Big B just touched my shoulder and said, "Don't worry nothing will happen...your aunt will be fine...we'll get some news from the MEA soon." God it meant so much, at that moment I felt nothing.

But a little later after I got a call from home, telling me that everything was fine...and then when I thought about it, it mattered so much...just that little gesture. More than being one of the most distinguished journalists in India, whats so lovable about him is his nature...is the thoughtfulness to message back a person he doesn't even know and is among the innumerable people who badger him everyday for a job. You can be talented, you can be famous but its real strength of character that sets you apart.

Small mercies...

We are complaining all the time...at least I am, most of the time...but today when I was walking to office I felt grateful, grateful for the little things in life...probably the after effects of mom's farewell speech on having a grateful heart...

I realised that in the last 6 months in this new office, among other things...whether I liked it or not I got to see some early mornings(the last time that happened, I guess was when we had to catch the early morning Kalka Express for Calcutta) but I'm grateful, I had almost forgotten how it felt to wake up at the crack of dawn, shivering in the Delhi winters, looking out at a foggy morning and wondering which insane moment in my life had prompted me to decide on journalism as a career...

I am grateful that there are friends I can turn to...I was so used to having M 'n R hold my hand through all the difficult moments when I was in Cal and then Sam and Sid in my college days. When I put my head on the pillow last evening after Ma n Baba left and I felt hot tears trickle down my face, I was grateful that M came back early from office and S got me dinner.

I'm scared, lonely, worried and tense but like Kevin Spacey said in American Beauty...
"And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and
then it flows through me like rain
and I can't feel anything but
gratitude for every single moment
of my stupid little life...

Yearender

When the world partied on 31st December and celebrated the fact that the next day was Sunday and there was no need to worry about a hangover... I set my clock for 6 in the morning for my morning shift. While the world slept in the warmth of their blankets, snugging close to their loved ones, I was shivering in the car looking out at the foggy morning, hoping it would be a quite day with no news flashes.(I hate doing ticker...who the hell cares about the scrolling line, I personally feel it distracts you from the news, even Ma agrees but they insist that a channel's image depends on the damn thing).

As I have said earlier, such is life and we shall live...the flashes on Jan 1st, Sunday- Sampark Kranti express derails, no casualties
Six burnt alive at Raghopur in Bihar
And a few rapes reported
All the scheduling for feel good stories go for a toss and we are reporting one morbid story after the other....

I don't believe in New Year resolutions but I promise myself to try and be positive...so the highlights were mom n dad were here, F sent me a cool sweatshirt n roses, watched Bluffmaster, spent sometime with my niece, who I met after a year but we instantly clicked and my maternal intincts were just overflowing.

There was a party on the 30th, had a great time, it was like a reunion, met almost everyone from our batch in Delhi, free booze and great ambience. Danced after a long time, music and food was good.

Anyway, looking to a better year ahead.