Comeback?

Its been a long time since I last wrote anything on my blog. A lot has changed in the last three years since my time away from here. For one, social networking sites like Orkut and Facebook became really popular and we were all so busy connecting with old friends and trying to trace old flames that there was hardly any time left to sit and blog. And when a one line status msg could almost explain your state of mind on a particular day, why take the trouble to write a complete blog post.

That was another thing, with writing a blog somehow there is this performance pressure to have a introduction, body and a conclusion. Social networking sites have no such stipulations, your status msg may or may not have a point to it.

On the personal front too, a lot has changed, for example in the last 2 years I have changed at least 4 houses, cities, and locations. Since my last post, the move has been something like this, Delhi-Kolkata-Carbondale,IL- Detroit,MI- Houston,TX- Bangalore.

So in my search for freedom, peace of mind and some stability, I hope I am not changing either house or city or country for the next few years. So here's hoping I will get to update my blog more regularly now.

Beyond the Inevitable

Our small drawing room was filled with people. It was almost spilling over. In all these years, I had not seen so many people ever in this room, not even on our marriage...

Maaji's constant wailing prevailed over the hushed voices. Only a few spoke regarding the arrangements that were to be made. The air was thick with the smoke from the incense sticks.

I sat in the corner, my head covered. I wondered where the children were...I saw them huddled in a corner together. Juhi sobbed inconsolably, her eyes were red, she loved her father, I knew she loved him more than me. Adnan sat very close to her, he looked afraid and scared, but I was sure he didnot have the vaguest idea of what was going on. He was still very young.

I felt...I didnot really know what I felt. Beside me were my in-laws, they had a very concerned look on their face. They were worried I guess because I wasn't crying, they wondered if I was in a state of shock...I wondered too. I mean, I wouldn't really need to see a shrink? Would I? They were all waiting, some staring at me, some in a more subtle way...waiting for me to emote in some way...

He had been sick, but not sick enough to die. His death was very sudden. I wasn't prepared for it, but...well, it's not easy being married to someone you do not love, it's not easy living with a man who is mentally unstable, it's not easy wanting to walk out everyday and knowing you cannot because you are financially dependent.

Its definitely not easy living your life like a compromise...maybe, that's why I was not being able to react..but then, I had been married for 17 years now, he was the father of my children. I felt something inside, I couldnot figure out what...would I too need psychiatric help?

Maaji came forward, she was grief-stricken. He had been her only son. She took my hand in hers, the last time she had done that was when I had first come here, an 18-year-old bride- crying for all that I had left behind...all the people, all the relationships...

I couldnot understand the apologetic look on Maaji's face. I wondered why...it was part of the ritual they said. She was going to break the glass bangles I was wearing. Mechanically I held out my hand. As the two bangles splintered into pieces, I felt one dominant emotion...
Freedom.

It was then that my eyes welled up.

Rendezvous

The clock struck ten, I shifted restlessly...I was waiting for five minutes but it seemed more than a hour to me. I had my lines prepared, knew exactly what I was going to say, just wanted to get over with it. For a moment I wondered why I had even bothered to come...she had asked me to, but after seven years I was under no obligation...I felt out of place in the peach-coloured, well-decorated drawing room with a beutiful flower arrangement on the side-table.

When I had last seen her, we were the same, well almost...two pigtailed schoolgirls, a bit different from the rest - we prefered flying kites to playing with dolls, cricket to house-house and bullying to gossiping...all that was years ago.

Now, one pigtailed schoolgirl was an aspiring architect with her every agenda planned, her career sketched out like the blueprint of a multi-storeyed building. She began her day with a definite plan of action. The other schoolgirl, nineteen year old and pregnant, with no idea what was going to happen tomorrow and only a vague idea of what the future held for her...We had truly outgrown our pink polka-dotted frocks.

For her it was impossible to see life from my prespective. I'll tell her that I had got married last year and there hadn't been any social ceremony and I hadn't got a chance to invite her. It would work I guess.

To tell her that I had taken the decision to be a single mother and that too, out of wedlock - she would be scandalised. Either she would think I am stupid or sympathise and then speculate how I could 'do it'. Would she understand it was not about 'doing it', it was not about a moment of lust...it was about trusting someone with everything. And then it is one of those things you thought happened to other people till it happened to you.

I had heard enough over the last seven months. They all sympathised and later went home and told their daughters,'Don't become like her.' I realised I had entered another space altogether in the last few days. A few days ago, I wasn't any different from them...but now I was.

I felt a slight pain in my lower abdomen. I had an appointment with the doctor in the evening. The baby wasn't moving. My head was cluttered with too many thoughts, I couldn't think straight.

The latch clicked, Vaishali walked in. She smiled, the same radiant smile she had when she opened her tenth birthday present from me and two bunny rabbits stared back at her with alarmed looks.

"So, how is hubby darling?" I felt breathless, the pain resurfaced. "Wah beta, marriage, babies, everything and no news. Really fast babe." Yea, fast was the word I had been linked to a lot lately.

I looked up, took a deep breath, swallowed hard and said, "I am not married." I still dont know why I said that, it was a pointless lie. She had known me as a kid, she would understand and if she didn't I really didn't care, one more person considering you 'fallen' didn't make a difference.

She had always been a patient listener, I wished she wouldn't sympathise, I didn't need that any more. Probably she would suggest some practical solution, I didn't even need that now.

...She touched my hand lightly and said, "I am proud of you."

I felt the baby kick inside, the first movement in the last seven days.

Valentine's Day special...

I had a different post in mind...but since mush is still in the air...I thought of posting something that was written years back...it won me my first creative writing prize in school...since I continue to remain a emotional fool, here it goes...

Where is Love?

I am pure, I don't hate, I don't envy, I don't feel proud. I don't promise you anything...I am just waiting to be found. I dwell in each one of you, deep within your souls I exist, unknown to most of you, misunderstood and misinterpreted by most of you...I am Love!

I just wish you could understand me a little better than you do today. It hurts to see that I have been so distorted. It's amazing that though I exist in each one of you, you still fail to realise my presence.

I am there in each pain a woman feels when she brings her child into this world, I am there in every penny a child saves for his mother’s gift, I am there in each tear that drops when a loved one dies, I am there the first time a young girl blushes when she sees her chosen one, I am there in every pang you feel when your loved one is going away.

I understand it looks difficult when you see people apparently falling in and out of love, as they call it. But hold on, I am still there for people who are true and honest. Don’t expect me to be a dream come true, don’t expect me to be the answer to all the numerous questions you ask yourself.

Can you still hear the beating of your heart? Can you still hear the cry which is tearing your soul apart but doesn’t show at all on the exterior? Do you feel a complete sense of confidence deep within you? Do you feel a pang of sadness every time a special person moves away from you? Yes, I am there, within you, amidst the thumping of those numerous muscles.

I may not be present between a boy and a girl running around the tress singing a romantic song but I am there in the silent prayer of gratitude you say when you are happy. Yes, I am there when tears brim from your eyes with the joy you feel in your heart.

Don’t question me? Dream lovely dreams but don’t expect them to come true. Acknowledge my presence, just feel my touch, like a breath of fresh air, like the beauty of blooming flowers, like the glittering multitude of stars at night.

I am an all-encompassing feeling. I am a wave of emotion, I am storm of pain. Yes, I bring pain along. I have to or you will never know what it feels when I am not there. If you are careless enough to lose me, you will that intense pain, the feeling will wrench your soul, the feeling of loss…so difficult to overcome.

Don’t look for me moonlit nights, don’t look for me in Mills ‘n Boons novels, don’t look for me Archies cards, don’t search for me in the expensive Valentine’s Day gift you got…
Ever felt like reaching out to someone, not for who the person is but for what the person is? Have a thousand words come to your lips but you never said them because you are afraid that voicing them might hurt someone? Have you ever wanted something badly but never bought it because you needed the money to gift something to someone else? Have stayed up late at night finishing an assignment for someone else? Have you looked up at the sky, seen the stars and felt comfortable by just thinking that someone somewhere is wishing upon the same stars.

Finding me is just the beginning, you have to be strong enough to hold on to a lot more pain, surprises, anticipations and happiness that will come your way. Stop questioning and enjoy each and every moment. Don’t try to hide me, I will reflect in your eyes, in the warmth you feel, in the affection that floods your heart, in the immature way you will sometimes behave, the stupidities, the craziness are all a part of me. So just sit back and hold on…you need to.

All thoughts, all passions, all delights,
Whatever stirs this mortal frame,
All are but ministers of me,
And feed this sacred frame.

Catch me if you can!

You...

I look at the golden band on my finger and wonder if it means anything?

I think of the balmy summer evening, our fingers entwined looking into the vast expanse of the sea before us, staring into a uncertain future...

I think of the long bike rides at night, holding you tightly against me...afraid to let go...

Of the conversations at 'Coffee', of the hide 'n seek games with relatives and friends...

Of sitting at the cinema hall, trying to hide from your cousins...

Of the day-long shoots, of the zoom-in 'n zoom outs which made me impatient till I realised the beauty of those shots...

Of exotic dinners at the best eats-outs 'n of broke days famished for good food...

Of the best New Years eve, kissing under the bright sky with crackers bursting every second...

Of shivering with fever 'n having no one but the comfort of your arms around me...

Of wanting and yet, waiting for the right moment...

Of looking into your eyes and seeing a uncertain and yet a sure future...

Of going back to an empty bed night after night and still finding you next to me...

Of fighting, crying and throwing things...

Of almost forgetting your face but still remembering your smell, your touch 'n your taste...

There is so much of you I still don't know...there is a lot about you thats so familiar and that familiarity is comforting but for all that I don't know and that I'm waiting to discover, I'm impatient to discover...

Discover a new side of you....a you I've never known...I want to discover the responsible you...will you ever evolve from being the careless lover to a resposible husband? I don't know...I wanna discover...have i discovered the real lover?

Rang De...

Watched Rang De Basanti today and promptly fell in love with Kunal Kapoor. I won't risk a review 'coz I guess the consensus is that the movie is brilliant but the end is just over the top. Thus, its just falls short of becoming a masterpiece...

One of my favourite lines in the movie was when Aamir Khan says, that on one side of the college gate life dances to our tune but when we are on the other side we dance to life's tune...I swear, only when you are part of this mad rat-race...do you realise that we are actually running a race where no one wins....and its still so difficult to let go...to forget about the pay check that comes at the end of every month.

And I thought that there are still some who dare to live dangerously on the edge...where life is just about drunken parties, dangerous bike rides, unnecessary brawls, harmless flirting, evening long cricket matches and just ...no responsibilty.

I just had a glimpse of that life with you but it was impossible...it was fun while it lasted but at the end of the day it scared me...its like Aamir Khan singing at the end of every serious conversation, "Su kar mere man ko tune kiya kya eshara..."

But I think of it at times and I realise that it would be such a crazy life and yet so much fun...a life I never got to live...

To pack my bags and head for the hills when I want to without thinking of office...
To go for a bike ride on a full moon night without any fear...
To get drunk and lie on your back and look up at the glaring multitude above...
To get stoned and think of the most beautiful things that I have never thought of...

... a life i never dare live.

Some friends are friends forever

Last evening I had a great time...met two of my closest friends (at least,they were the closest for quite a while in my life).

Met Sam after 3 years, it's difficult to believe that is really been that long...we stayed together once and met each other everyday...anyway, it was nice seeing her...she's much the same...ethnic earnings with traditional clothes, talkative, warm and confused.

Her lovelife never fails to amuse me...she drifts from one relationship to the other and feels as strongly for one as she felt for the other a month back...but her faith in Sai Baba is unfailing and though the object of her affection keeps changing every few months, she is confident that HE'll see her through...

She told me yesterday that she's realised why she's 'in n out' of relationships all the time...she says no matter what, at end of the day you need someone to cuddle-up with...guess thats true...but what I like about her is, she always has a guy ready in the wings when she is about to run out of someone to cuddle-up with.

Anyway, was sitting in Barista, sipping coffee and having this amazing Sex and The City style conversation, talking about our life and her loves...and just behind her sat a teenage couple making me feel very uncomfortable...I don't want to behave like the Meerut policewoman but it was really awkward seeing these trying to put their fingers into each other's mouths or whatever...well, probably not, probably its just my sexual frustration...But honestly, I couldn't even imagine a very young me doing something like that in a crowded cafe. Guess, this is the generation next and no matter how we feel, we are actually on the wrong side of 20.

P walked in little later and when we told him about the cosy couple, he tried to thoroughly embarrass me by putting his arms around me and stuff. Sam left a little later.

P n I headed to go to Bercos (the chicken drumsticks there are really juicy and by far the best in Delhi). But we were going around in circles unable to locate it...the wind was chilly and with the terrific dressing sense that P has (he was wearing a thin cardigan)I was afraid that he'll be laid down with pnuemonia, if we don't find the place soon.

Anyway, a great dinner, a few smokes, a terrific round of bitching/PNPC session later...headed back home, feeling nice and warm.

Some friendships are like that, no matter where you leave it, no matter how long...its never difficult to re-connect.