Beyond the Inevitable

Our small drawing room was filled with people. It was almost spilling over. In all these years, I had not seen so many people ever in this room, not even on our marriage...

Maaji's constant wailing prevailed over the hushed voices. Only a few spoke regarding the arrangements that were to be made. The air was thick with the smoke from the incense sticks.

I sat in the corner, my head covered. I wondered where the children were...I saw them huddled in a corner together. Juhi sobbed inconsolably, her eyes were red, she loved her father, I knew she loved him more than me. Adnan sat very close to her, he looked afraid and scared, but I was sure he didnot have the vaguest idea of what was going on. He was still very young.

I felt...I didnot really know what I felt. Beside me were my in-laws, they had a very concerned look on their face. They were worried I guess because I wasn't crying, they wondered if I was in a state of shock...I wondered too. I mean, I wouldn't really need to see a shrink? Would I? They were all waiting, some staring at me, some in a more subtle way...waiting for me to emote in some way...

He had been sick, but not sick enough to die. His death was very sudden. I wasn't prepared for it, but...well, it's not easy being married to someone you do not love, it's not easy living with a man who is mentally unstable, it's not easy wanting to walk out everyday and knowing you cannot because you are financially dependent.

Its definitely not easy living your life like a compromise...maybe, that's why I was not being able to react..but then, I had been married for 17 years now, he was the father of my children. I felt something inside, I couldnot figure out what...would I too need psychiatric help?

Maaji came forward, she was grief-stricken. He had been her only son. She took my hand in hers, the last time she had done that was when I had first come here, an 18-year-old bride- crying for all that I had left behind...all the people, all the relationships...

I couldnot understand the apologetic look on Maaji's face. I wondered why...it was part of the ritual they said. She was going to break the glass bangles I was wearing. Mechanically I held out my hand. As the two bangles splintered into pieces, I felt one dominant emotion...
Freedom.

It was then that my eyes welled up.

Rendezvous

The clock struck ten, I shifted restlessly...I was waiting for five minutes but it seemed more than a hour to me. I had my lines prepared, knew exactly what I was going to say, just wanted to get over with it. For a moment I wondered why I had even bothered to come...she had asked me to, but after seven years I was under no obligation...I felt out of place in the peach-coloured, well-decorated drawing room with a beutiful flower arrangement on the side-table.

When I had last seen her, we were the same, well almost...two pigtailed schoolgirls, a bit different from the rest - we prefered flying kites to playing with dolls, cricket to house-house and bullying to gossiping...all that was years ago.

Now, one pigtailed schoolgirl was an aspiring architect with her every agenda planned, her career sketched out like the blueprint of a multi-storeyed building. She began her day with a definite plan of action. The other schoolgirl, nineteen year old and pregnant, with no idea what was going to happen tomorrow and only a vague idea of what the future held for her...We had truly outgrown our pink polka-dotted frocks.

For her it was impossible to see life from my prespective. I'll tell her that I had got married last year and there hadn't been any social ceremony and I hadn't got a chance to invite her. It would work I guess.

To tell her that I had taken the decision to be a single mother and that too, out of wedlock - she would be scandalised. Either she would think I am stupid or sympathise and then speculate how I could 'do it'. Would she understand it was not about 'doing it', it was not about a moment of lust...it was about trusting someone with everything. And then it is one of those things you thought happened to other people till it happened to you.

I had heard enough over the last seven months. They all sympathised and later went home and told their daughters,'Don't become like her.' I realised I had entered another space altogether in the last few days. A few days ago, I wasn't any different from them...but now I was.

I felt a slight pain in my lower abdomen. I had an appointment with the doctor in the evening. The baby wasn't moving. My head was cluttered with too many thoughts, I couldn't think straight.

The latch clicked, Vaishali walked in. She smiled, the same radiant smile she had when she opened her tenth birthday present from me and two bunny rabbits stared back at her with alarmed looks.

"So, how is hubby darling?" I felt breathless, the pain resurfaced. "Wah beta, marriage, babies, everything and no news. Really fast babe." Yea, fast was the word I had been linked to a lot lately.

I looked up, took a deep breath, swallowed hard and said, "I am not married." I still dont know why I said that, it was a pointless lie. She had known me as a kid, she would understand and if she didn't I really didn't care, one more person considering you 'fallen' didn't make a difference.

She had always been a patient listener, I wished she wouldn't sympathise, I didn't need that any more. Probably she would suggest some practical solution, I didn't even need that now.

...She touched my hand lightly and said, "I am proud of you."

I felt the baby kick inside, the first movement in the last seven days.