Ramblers Block

Beyond the Inevitable

2006-03-18T21:52:00.000-08:00

Our small drawing room was filled with people. It was almost spilling over. In all these years, I had not seen so many people ever in this room, not even on our marriage...

Maaji's constant wailing prevailed over the hushed voices. Only a few spoke regarding the arrangements that were to be made. The air was thick with the smoke from the incense sticks.

I sat in the corner, my head covered. I wondered where the children were...I saw them huddled in a corner together. Juhi sobbed inconsolably, her eyes were red, she loved her father, I knew she loved him more than me. Adnan sat very close to her, he looked afraid and scared, but I was sure he didnot have the vaguest idea of what was going on. He was still very young.

I felt...I didnot really know what I felt. Beside me were my in-laws, they had a very concerned look on their face. They were worried I guess because I wasn't crying, they wondered if I was in a state of shock...I wondered too. I mean, I wouldn't really need to see a shrink? Would I? They were all waiting, some staring at me, some in a more subtle way...waiting for me to emote in some way...

He had been sick, but not sick enough to die. His death was very sudden. I wasn't prepared for it, but...well, it's not easy being married to someone you do not love, it's not easy living with a man who is mentally unstable, it's not easy wanting to walk out everyday and knowing you cannot because you are financially dependent.

Its definitely not easy living your life like a compromise...maybe, that's why I was not being able to react..but then, I had been married for 17 years now, he was the father of my children. I felt something inside, I couldnot figure out what...would I too need psychiatric help?

Maaji came forward, she was grief-stricken. He had been her only son. She took my hand in hers, the last time she had done that was when I had first come here, an 18-year-old bride- crying for all that I had left behind...all the people, all the relationships...

I couldnot understand the apologetic look on Maaji's face. I wondered why...it was part of the ritual they said. She was going to break the glass bangles I was wearing. Mechanically I held out my hand. As the two bangles splintered into pieces, I felt one dominant emotion...
Freedom.

It was then that my eyes welled up.

Rendezvous

2006-03-03T07:30:00.000-08:00

The clock struck ten, I shifted restlessly...I was waiting for five minutes but it seemed more than a hour to me. I had my lines prepared, knew exactly what I was going to say, just wanted to get over with it. For a moment I wondered why I had even bothered to come...she had asked me to, but after seven years I was under no obligation...I felt out of place in the peach-coloured, well-decorated drawing room with a beutiful flower arrangement on the side-table.

When I had last seen her, we were the same, well almost...two pigtailed schoolgirls, a bit different from the rest - we prefered flying kites to playing with dolls, cricket to house-house and bullying to gossiping...all that was years ago.

Now, one pigtailed schoolgirl was an aspiring architect with her every agenda planned, her career sketched out like the blueprint of a multi-storeyed building. She began her day with a definite plan of action. The other schoolgirl, nineteen year old and pregnant, with no idea what was going to happen tomorrow and only a vague idea of what the future held for her...We had truly outgrown our pink polka-dotted frocks.

For her it was impossible to see life from my prespective. I'll tell her that I had got married last year and there hadn't been any social ceremony and I hadn't got a chance to invite her. It would work I guess.

To tell her that I had taken the decision to be a single mother and that too, out of wedlock - she would be scandalised. Either she would think I am stupid or sympathise and then speculate how I could 'do it'. Would she understand it was not about 'doing it', it was not about a moment of lust...it was about trusting someone with everything. And then it is one of those things you thought happened to other people till it happened to you.

I had heard enough over the last seven months. They all sympathised and later went home and told their daughters,'Don't become like her.' I realised I had entered another space altogether in the last few days. A few days ago, I wasn't any different from them...but now I was.

I felt a slight pain in my lower abdomen. I had an appointment with the doctor in the evening. The baby wasn't moving. My head was cluttered with too many thoughts, I couldn't think straight.

The latch clicked, Vaishali walked in. She smiled, the same radiant smile she had when she opened her tenth birthday present from me and two bunny rabbits stared back at her with alarmed looks.

"So, how is hubby darling?" I felt breathless, the pain resurfaced. "Wah beta, marriage, babies, everything and no news. Really fast babe." Yea, fast was the word I had been linked to a lot lately.

I looked up, took a deep breath, swallowed hard and said, "I am not married." I still dont know why I said that, it was a pointless lie. She had known me as a kid, she would understand and if she didn't I really didn't care, one more person considering you 'fallen' didn't make a difference.

She had always been a patient listener, I wished she wouldn't sympathise, I didn't need that any more. Probably she would suggest some practical solution, I didn't even need that now.

...She touched my hand lightly and said, "I am proud of you."

I felt the baby kick inside, the first movement in the last seven days.

Valentine's Day special...

2006-02-18T06:58:00.000-08:00

I had a different post in mind...but since mush is still in the air...I thought of posting something that was written years back...it won me my first creative writing prize in school...since I continue to remain a emotional fool, here it goes...

Where is Love?

I am pure, I don't hate, I don't envy, I don't feel proud. I don't promise you anything...I am just waiting to be found. I dwell in each one of you, deep within your souls I exist, unknown to most of you, misunderstood and misinterpreted by most of you...I am Love!

I just wish you could understand me a little better than you do today. It hurts to see that I have been so distorted. It's amazing that though I exist in each one of you, you still fail to realise my presence.

I am there in each pain a woman feels when she brings her child into this world, I am there in every penny a child saves for his mother’s gift, I am there in each tear that drops when a loved one dies, I am there the first time a young girl blushes when she sees her chosen one, I am there in every pang you feel when your loved one is going away.

I understand it looks difficult when you see people apparently falling in and out of love, as they call it. But hold on, I am still there for people who are true and honest. Don’t expect me to be a dream come true, don’t expect me to be the answer to all the numerous questions you ask yourself.

Can you still hear the beating of your heart? Can you still hear the cry which is tearing your soul apart but doesn’t show at all on the exterior? Do you feel a complete sense of confidence deep within you? Do you feel a pang of sadness every time a special person moves away from you? Yes, I am there, within you, amidst the thumping of those numerous muscles.

I may not be present between a boy and a girl running around the tress singing a romantic song but I am there in the silent prayer of gratitude you say when you are happy. Yes, I am there when tears brim from your eyes with the joy you feel in your heart.

Don’t question me? Dream lovely dreams but don’t expect them to come true. Acknowledge my presence, just feel my touch, like a breath of fresh air, like the beauty of blooming flowers, like the glittering multitude of stars at night.

I am an all-encompassing feeling. I am a wave of emotion, I am storm of pain. Yes, I bring pain along. I have to or you will never know what it feels when I am not there. If you are careless enough to lose me, you will that intense pain, the feeling will wrench your soul, the feeling of loss…so difficult to overcome.

Don’t look for me moonlit nights, don’t look for me in Mills ‘n Boons novels, don’t look for me Archies cards, don’t search for me in the expensive Valentine’s Day gift you got…
Ever felt like reaching out to someone, not for who the person is but for what the person is? Have a thousand words come to your lips but you never said them because you are afraid that voicing them might hurt someone? Have you ever wanted something badly but never bought it because you needed the money to gift something to someone else? Have stayed up late at night finishing an assignment for someone else? Have you looked up at the sky, seen the stars and felt comfortable by just thinking that someone somewhere is wishing upon the same stars.

Finding me is just the beginning, you have to be strong enough to hold on to a lot more pain, surprises, anticipations and happiness that will come your way. Stop questioning and enjoy each and every moment. Don’t try to hide me, I will reflect in your eyes, in the warmth you feel, in the affection that floods your heart, in the immature way you will sometimes behave, the stupidities, the craziness are all a part of me. So just sit back and hold on…you need to.

All thoughts, all passions, all delights,
Whatever stirs this mortal frame,
All are but ministers of me,
And feed this sacred frame.

Catch me if you can!

You...

2006-02-05T07:46:00.000-08:00

I look at the golden band on my finger and wonder if it means anything?

I think of the balmy summer evening, our fingers entwined looking into the vast expanse of the sea before us, staring into a uncertain future...

I think of the long bike rides at night, holding you tightly against me...afraid to let go...

Of the conversations at 'Coffee', of the hide 'n seek games with relatives and friends...

Of sitting at the cinema hall, trying to hide from your cousins...

Of the day-long shoots, of the zoom-in 'n zoom outs which made me impatient till I realised the beauty of those shots...

Of exotic dinners at the best eats-outs 'n of broke days famished for good food...

Of the best New Years eve, kissing under the bright sky with crackers bursting every second...

Of shivering with fever 'n having no one but the comfort of your arms around me...

Of wanting and yet, waiting for the right moment...

Of looking into your eyes and seeing a uncertain and yet a sure future...

Of going back to an empty bed night after night and still finding you next to me...

Of fighting, crying and throwing things...

Of almost forgetting your face but still remembering your smell, your touch 'n your taste...

There is so much of you I still don't know...there is a lot about you thats so familiar and that familiarity is comforting but for all that I don't know and that I'm waiting to discover, I'm impatient to discover...

Discover a new side of you....a you I've never known...I want to discover the responsible you...will you ever evolve from being the careless lover to a resposible husband? I don't know...I wanna discover...have i discovered the real lover?

Rang De...

2006-01-29T04:57:00.000-08:00

Watched Rang De Basanti today and promptly fell in love with Kunal Kapoor. I won't risk a review 'coz I guess the consensus is that the movie is brilliant but the end is just over the top. Thus, its just falls short of becoming a masterpiece...

One of my favourite lines in the movie was when Aamir Khan says, that on one side of the college gate life dances to our tune but when we are on the other side we dance to life's tune...I swear, only when you are part of this mad rat-race...do you realise that we are actually running a race where no one wins....and its still so difficult to let go...to forget about the pay check that comes at the end of every month.

And I thought that there are still some who dare to live dangerously on the edge...where life is just about drunken parties, dangerous bike rides, unnecessary brawls, harmless flirting, evening long cricket matches and just ...no responsibilty.

I just had a glimpse of that life with you but it was impossible...it was fun while it lasted but at the end of the day it scared me...its like Aamir Khan singing at the end of every serious conversation, "Su kar mere man ko tune kiya kya eshara..."

But I think of it at times and I realise that it would be such a crazy life and yet so much fun...a life I never got to live...

To pack my bags and head for the hills when I want to without thinking of office...
To go for a bike ride on a full moon night without any fear...
To get drunk and lie on your back and look up at the glaring multitude above...
To get stoned and think of the most beautiful things that I have never thought of...

... a life i never dare live.

Some friends are friends forever

2006-01-25T04:36:00.000-08:00

Last evening I had a great time...met two of my closest friends (at least,they were the closest for quite a while in my life).

Met Sam after 3 years, it's difficult to believe that is really been that long...we stayed together once and met each other everyday...anyway, it was nice seeing her...she's much the same...ethnic earnings with traditional clothes, talkative, warm and confused.

Her lovelife never fails to amuse me...she drifts from one relationship to the other and feels as strongly for one as she felt for the other a month back...but her faith in Sai Baba is unfailing and though the object of her affection keeps changing every few months, she is confident that HE'll see her through...

She told me yesterday that she's realised why she's 'in n out' of relationships all the time...she says no matter what, at end of the day you need someone to cuddle-up with...guess thats true...but what I like about her is, she always has a guy ready in the wings when she is about to run out of someone to cuddle-up with.

Anyway, was sitting in Barista, sipping coffee and having this amazing Sex and The City style conversation, talking about our life and her loves...and just behind her sat a teenage couple making me feel very uncomfortable...I don't want to behave like the Meerut policewoman but it was really awkward seeing these trying to put their fingers into each other's mouths or whatever...well, probably not, probably its just my sexual frustration...But honestly, I couldn't even imagine a very young me doing something like that in a crowded cafe. Guess, this is the generation next and no matter how we feel, we are actually on the wrong side of 20.

P walked in little later and when we told him about the cosy couple, he tried to thoroughly embarrass me by putting his arms around me and stuff. Sam left a little later.

P n I headed to go to Bercos (the chicken drumsticks there are really juicy and by far the best in Delhi). But we were going around in circles unable to locate it...the wind was chilly and with the terrific dressing sense that P has (he was wearing a thin cardigan)I was afraid that he'll be laid down with pnuemonia, if we don't find the place soon.

Anyway, a great dinner, a few smokes, a terrific round of bitching/PNPC session later...headed back home, feeling nice and warm.

Some friendships are like that, no matter where you leave it, no matter how long...its never difficult to re-connect.

Split ends

2006-01-23T02:44:00.000-08:00

Its surprising how two lives get inextricably linked even when you are not living together...

long love-letters
small notes
used wrappers
dried flower petals
worn t-shirts
torn socks
a old toothbrush
a bottle of rancid massage oil
a rusted razor
a empty Pepsi can

Tere khushboo mein basay khat main jalata kaise
Pyaar mein doobay huye khat main jalata kaise
Teray haathon ke likhay khat main jalata kaise

Jinko duniya ki nigaahon se chupayey rakha
Jinko ek umar kalayjay se lagayay rakha
Deen jinko jinhay imaan banaay rakha

Jinka har lafz mujhay yaad paani ki tarah
Yaad they mujko jo paigaam-e-zubaani ki tarah
Mujko jo pyaarey they anmol nishani ki tarah

Toone duniya ki nigaahon se jo bach kar likhay
Saal-ha-saal mere naam barabar likhay
Kabhi din mein to kabhi raat ko uth kar likhay

Teray khat aaj main ganga mein baha aaya hoon
Aag behtay huye paani mein laga aaya hoon

...smiling snaps (which make you wanna cry)
...and a gold ring

Its difficult to do away...
But at times you just have to learn to let go...

Road not Taken

2006-01-19T04:26:00.000-08:00

If life was just a highway
And the soul was just a car
And objects in the rear view mirror
Where nearer than they are...

There are times in life when you just wanna get away from everything...when all you wanna do is start anew, scrap all that you have been ever associated with and begin all over again.

I remember when I had left for Chennai...I had no expectations, I knew no one there...it was like opening the chapter of a book that you have no idea about...there were very few people I remained in-touch with and the distance gave me the excuse...

Life stagnates at times and at times you just wish you can let go...

Just waiting to get away...to a place where I know no-one, where everything is new, the place, the people you meet, the language, the food...

Yeh faasle teri gaaliyon ke humse tay na hua
Hazaar baar ruke hum
Hazaar baar chalen

Missing links...

2006-01-15T05:03:00.000-08:00

I always say, its better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. I have loved quite a few times now and I am not ashmamed of it. Every relationship is a learning experience and somehow when you look back at them they always give you something to smile about. I don't believe in this crap...you love only once and all that nonsense...Love involves the heart and most obviously more often than not you leave the mind behind...well, if the heart and mind are working in tandem then you have got your Love potion just right...but you obviously are in a minority or are soon to realise that the Love Potion is not that perfect after all.

Enough gyaan now...

All and I mean all men (even distantly romantically linked to me)in my life share names with Bollywood stars(actors, directors...the sorts).

When I love, I love passionately but after I break-up I never want to see their faces...somehow I just can't bring myself to believe in that 'We are still friends' thing...not that there is anything wrong with it but I feel that if you are still in-touch with your ex, its always difficult to get on...something will always remind you of the cosy times you spent and its not really good for the present relationship...so me being me, I never see them again.

So probably because I have such strange rules set for myself...at certain times in my life I am suddenly reminded of one of them. And suddenly I remember every little detail about them.

A few years back I fell in love with a guy, someone who should've sported the t-shirt which says, "I'm the guy your mother warned you about." He was just the kind of guy who you would never take home...but these things happen sometimes. You fall in love with men who just refuse to grow up but are charming in there own little way.

Well...all said and done he had some good taste in music and this was one of the ghazals we often heard together...

Mujhe tum nazar se gira to rahe ho
Mujhe tum kabhi bhi bhula na sakoge
Na jana mujhe kyon yakeen ho chala hai
Mere pyar ko tum mita na sakoge

Meri yaad hogi jidhar jaoge tum
Kabhi nagma banke
Kabhi banke aasu
Tadpta mujhe har taraf paoge tum
Shama jo jalaye meri wafa mein
Bhujana bhi chao to bhuja na sakoge

Kabhi naam baton mein aayajo mere
To bechain hoke dil tham loge
Nighaon mein chahega gum ka andhera
Kissine jo pucha sabab aasu ka
Batana bhi chaho ho batana sakoge

God Almighty

2006-01-12T06:23:00.000-08:00

At least 76 killed in Haj stampede...as the news flashed on the comp screen I felt breathless for a moment...it happened every year and it never mattered to me. But this year with my aunt and cousins there... as the news trickled with number of bodies increasing every half-hour my hands just went cold...called home, they didn't have a clue till I called-up and they checked the breaking news. I could feel tears prick my eyes as the flashes came in and we cut to live pictures.

All I wanted was to call-up someone in Mina and find out if my aunt was fine...

There are some people you respect, you are in awe of but when Big B just touched my shoulder and said, "Don't worry nothing will happen...your aunt will be fine...we'll get some news from the MEA soon." God it meant so much, at that moment I felt nothing.

But a little later after I got a call from home, telling me that everything was fine...and then when I thought about it, it mattered so much...just that little gesture. More than being one of the most distinguished journalists in India, whats so lovable about him is his nature...is the thoughtfulness to message back a person he doesn't even know and is among the innumerable people who badger him everyday for a job. You can be talented, you can be famous but its real strength of character that sets you apart.

Small mercies...

2006-01-10T03:24:00.000-08:00

We are complaining all the time...at least I am, most of the time...but today when I was walking to office I felt grateful, grateful for the little things in life...probably the after effects of mom's farewell speech on having a grateful heart...

I realised that in the last 6 months in this new office, among other things...whether I liked it or not I got to see some early mornings(the last time that happened, I guess was when we had to catch the early morning Kalka Express for Calcutta) but I'm grateful, I had almost forgotten how it felt to wake up at the crack of dawn, shivering in the Delhi winters, looking out at a foggy morning and wondering which insane moment in my life had prompted me to decide on journalism as a career...

I am grateful that there are friends I can turn to...I was so used to having M 'n R hold my hand through all the difficult moments when I was in Cal and then Sam and Sid in my college days. When I put my head on the pillow last evening after Ma n Baba left and I felt hot tears trickle down my face, I was grateful that M came back early from office and S got me dinner.

I'm scared, lonely, worried and tense but like Kevin Spacey said in American Beauty...
"And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and
then it flows through me like rain
and I can't feel anything but
gratitude for every single moment
of my stupid little life...

Yearender

2006-01-01T18:27:00.000-08:00

When the world partied on 31st December and celebrated the fact that the next day was Sunday and there was no need to worry about a hangover... I set my clock for 6 in the morning for my morning shift. While the world slept in the warmth of their blankets, snugging close to their loved ones, I was shivering in the car looking out at the foggy morning, hoping it would be a quite day with no news flashes.(I hate doing ticker...who the hell cares about the scrolling line, I personally feel it distracts you from the news, even Ma agrees but they insist that a channel's image depends on the damn thing).

As I have said earlier, such is life and we shall live...the flashes on Jan 1st, Sunday- Sampark Kranti express derails, no casualties
Six burnt alive at Raghopur in Bihar
And a few rapes reported
All the scheduling for feel good stories go for a toss and we are reporting one morbid story after the other....

I don't believe in New Year resolutions but I promise myself to try and be positive...so the highlights were mom n dad were here, F sent me a cool sweatshirt n roses, watched Bluffmaster, spent sometime with my niece, who I met after a year but we instantly clicked and my maternal intincts were just overflowing.

There was a party on the 30th, had a great time, it was like a reunion, met almost everyone from our batch in Delhi, free booze and great ambience. Danced after a long time, music and food was good.

Anyway, looking to a better year ahead.

Like this?

2005-12-28T23:31:00.000-08:00

As Good As It Gets...

2005-12-14T06:00:00.000-08:00

From the first moment that I thought of becoming a journalist, I had heard the name Christiane Amanpour (thanks to my well-read brother). Back then, I had looked at him like a fool and he said in his 'you-dumbass, you should be better read' condescending voice that his so like elder-siblings, "You wanna be a journalist and you don't know who Christiane Amanpour". It felt like the "yeh PSPO nahi janta ad".

And today, I got a chance to share a byline with her. She had sent a story from Baghdad and it had to be written and visually edited here, since I did all that and voiced it, we shared a byline.

And everytime, its a big story I'm in a mortal fear that someone or the other would scream at me. And true enough a little later I heard an loud questions on how and why did I dare to share a byline with Christiane Amnapour (as if I chose to do it, I was told to do so by our Foreign Editor).

And just when I wanted the earth to open and me to be swallowed in and wondered why on earth did I offer to do the story...my knight in shining armour came in, not only did he send a mail saying that this kind of stories should be done more often, he said in front of the entire office that he really liked it. Oh God! Why didn't time just freeze then? He looked and mentioned my name and said, "You did it right? I liked it".

He knows my name!!(squeal, squeal) The above mentioned sentence is just rewinding and playing in my mind over and over again...Big B you are the greatest!!

For I had the time of my LIFE....

This is as good as it can get...I guess...Thanks to the God of small things and the God of All things....

We are not even on air now...the kick of small joys.

Mein yahan tukdo pe ji rahi hun

Swear man! Can't believe that coming from him such a small things seems so Good!

Having mental visions of being in the Oprah Winfrey show and saying,"You know when I started....people doubted me....)By then, I'm a hi-profile journalist who covers wars across the world. (Why can't i feel like that, AIR rejected Amitabh Bachchan for Gods sake!)

The promise of perfection...

2005-12-05T13:25:00.000-08:00

The mirage shimmers on...
The promise of perfection...
The hope of a distant dream coming true...
The will to make it work no matter what...

The hope flickers...
The effort becomes vain...
The realisation that nothing can make it work...
And the pain of dealing with that realisation.

Pyjama party...

2005-11-26T01:07:00.000-08:00

Can't believe I'm sitting in office after last night's drunken revelry...24 hour shifts start from Monday and we'll only be getting off on weekdays, so we decided to party this one time before get ******.

We got drunk, ate and played Truth n Dare... a lot of deep dark secrets were out but I can't share them with you 'coz The Circle has been sworn to secrecy. But the funniest was when we asked to think of this one 'makeoutable guy' in office, other than the Big B all of us just thought about this one guy, who is quite a few years younger than us...and even those who didn't think of him felt that from today they will look at him 'differently' and thus, spent the most of their morning shift leching at him....

The other highlights were obviously Nandu falling asleep amidst the 'sexfiles discussion' and suddenly waking-up to explain 69 and ending-up explaining 99...and going back to sleep unperturbed.

But then the night is over 'n now its back to work...'Raat gayee, baat gayee'(night gone, talk gone)...such is life and we shall live.

Daddy...

2005-11-17T05:53:00.000-08:00

Hey my friend sent me this...and I wanted to share this with you...

A little girl needs Daddy
For many, many things:
Like holding her high off the ground
Where the sunlight sings!
Like being the deep music
That tells her all is right
When she awakens frantic with
The terrors of the night.

Like being the great mountain
That rises in her heart
And shows her how she might get home
When all else falls apart.

Like giving her the love
That is her sea and air,
So diving deep or soaring high
She'll always find him there.

Missing Dad

2005-11-09T20:24:00.000-08:00

Going back to an empty house is difficult...when I had gone to get the food packed I didn't have to worry about whether Dad will like mustard sauce with his sandwich better than white sauce...
Its not that I have not lived alone before...I have lived alone and in stranger places, where I didnot understand what my landlady said and she banned all my friends including girls to visit me...
Anyway thats for a different post....
I realised that in this one year, I got to know my dad more than I knew him during the 18 years that I stayed with him. Before this Dad was like this quite person for whom everything was fine, he had no specific likes and dislikes,he was a man limited needs...
In the last one-year I have watched all my movies with him, all my coffee and dinner outings were with him and I realised how little I knew him. He loved watching movies, he laughed and cried in the movies, he loved butter popcorn. He liked Cafe Mocha in Barista and prefered Chinese to any other cuisine. He has strong opinions about a lot of things apart from religion. He is easily hurt by people from his own family and cares little about what other people say. He hates unambitious people. He dislikes the fact that he has been brought up in a way that he is very cautious before he does anything.
He loves traveling, we had a blast at Ajmer, Pushkar and Mussorie (the trips in the last 1 year).
His faith is unshakeable and that brings the peace that we have always seen but he is not illogical and hates the blind beliefs that have crept in. I miss the heated debates I used to have with him on religion...
I'm reallly grateful to God that I got to spend quality time with him this year...Miss You Baba!

Islam misinterpreted

2005-11-01T22:52:00.000-08:00

Blasts rip through Paharganj, Sarojini Nagar and Govindpuri and for a moment I just feel numbed...62 dead, 6 bodies lying unindentified charred beyond recognition and 100s scarred forever...it could have been any of us...As J stepped in, I couldn't believe it...we were actually calling each of our friends to ensure they were fine.

I sit here wondering does my religion teach this? As I gulp the first sip of water after a day-long roza and feel a sense of peace...I wonder how does their mind work?
Jehad? What Jehad? Holy war against kaafirs (non-believers)? Who kaafir? There could have been so many Muslims doing their last weekend shopping before Eid.

Islam doesn't teach this...I don't have the unquestioning faith my dad has...but I wonder shaken, which interpretation of The Quran asks you to kill...

I feel disillusioned at times...

Read this...Bismillah...In the name of Almighty Allah...the most gracious and the most merciful...

BIG Day!

2005-10-27T02:17:00.000-07:00

Everyone including Big B is really happy. Mails and congratulations and happiness all around. But how does it affect us...the lowest common denominators in this organisation. Do we get a break from Ctr+C, Ctr+V, Ctr+X and finally, Ctr+S?
No we don't...Christina Amanpour is still just another name...

Autumn Blues

2005-10-21T06:40:00.000-07:00

I hate autumns, everything about it depresses me. The falling leaves, the quite evenings, the nip in the air and the loneliness...somehow autumn has a way of making you feel like 'all is lost'.

Trying to throw the picture out of my mind
Trying to leave the memories behind
Wanna start a new life but it seems to be rather absurd
When I know the truth I'm thinking of YOU...

Life sucks

2005-10-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

I spent the last 2 years of my life yearning for a chance to prove myself in the electronic media. Another aspiring Burkha Dutt!!I dreamt of a time when I'll work under the same roof as Rajdeep Sardesai...for some of us he is like the Amitabh Bachchan of electronic journalism...one handshake and our living is justified...

But now two months into this profession and I find all of us feel the same... we cannot take it for more than a year, forget getting old with Rajdeep...its less to do with the work and more to do with people who have very little knowledge of this particular media and just impose their opinions on us...

I never thought that I would feel like this but yesterday I got a mail from my school-friend, who is now quit her engineering job in Bangalore and gone to US with her husband. She hasn't got a working visa, so she says her prime r&d area is cooking now...today, I feel like blissful domesticity and holy matrimony just beacons me!

I've realised that either I need to have enough money to start a production house with F. Or I just need to get married and be happy producing kids...

In this job, you'll never get credit for what is good but you are sure to be blasted for the smallest mistake!(As P famously said...) Such is LIFE and we shall LIVE...profound, sad but true!!

My Best Friend's Engagement

2005-10-09T21:10:00.000-07:00

A has amazing parties and I never see the same people in any of his parties. To understand this, you need to know A a little better. A is very friendly and meets lots of new people and these people, their friends and the friends' friends then become his friends and end up at these parties. So there is never a chance of meeting the same people.

By some luck, I have now managed to meet one guy in three consecutive parties. Thankfully he is one of those Cool Dude types...and he is one of good-looking guys, who doesn't know that he is good-looking...well! more on him later.

At A's place parties are of all kinds, there are booze parties where alcohol flows like water and then there are Iftar parties which is a total Islamic affair. Yesterday I was invited to one such Iftar party and my friend announces his engagement to his girlfriend of four years.

They didn't tell us they were getting engaged because they were giving us a surprise!Why would we be surprised if they are getting engaged?? Anyway, they had got rings, we got them flowers and chocolate cake and dad promptly stepped in to say the prayers. Arsh did the videography and the cool dude did the photography and we just said CHEESE!!

But with A you never know...he has this huge frame in his bedroom with his and his gals pic which cost him a 1000 bucks but everytime a new girl comes visiting, the frame is locked inside the almirah. Hopefully the same thing will not happen to the ring.

A streetcar named DESIRE

2005-10-06T23:51:00.000-07:00

Last night an hour after dinner I had this overwhelming urge to have a Subway 6-inch sandwich with lots of white sauce and vegetables. I was talking to S da on the phone and told him about how I just had to have the sandwich, with no hope that I could actually have it at 11 at night. And then surprise, surprise he actually got me the roasted chicken sandwich I was asking for...

I gorged on the sandwich and made the orgasmic noises which bugged the hell out of Nandu. And then the moment I pick up the Hindustan Times to read the editorial, on the next page there is the Inner Voice, which just chooses to talk about Desire. And it says that desire in 'endless'and therefore, it cannot be fulfilled. And the fact that when desire is fulfilled we feel happy because for a moment we become 'desireless'.

But nothing could made me feel any less happy. Indulgence is bliss!!!

Power breaks

2005-10-03T01:25:00.000-07:00

After two blissful days, can't believe I'm back in office.

The best things in life are unplanned.

We got a three-day weekend and thought might as well make the best of it. When we left home we were not sure where we were heading, our first stop was Haridwar and thats all we knew. We eventually landed up in Mussorie after a stop at Haridwar and another at Rishikesh, wanted to go river rafting but it isn't the best time of the year to do it, so had to do with an awesome lunch at a German bakery just next to the Ganges.

We then started for Mussorie, I hate the winding roads, they make me sick and queasy. But we somehow got to Mussorie. The Delhi crowd was there with the Punjabi music blaring and I thought not all the nausea for this.

After checking about 10 hotels which were either full or not so exciting, we found a place called 'Padmini Nivas', which is a 160 year-old bungalow converted into a hotel. This hotel was far from the maddening crowd. The room overlooked a rose garden and I could see the next hill dotted with small huts and the glaring multitude of stars above, the air was chilly and the place just demanded sex.

more later...